Wow...weird question right? This is a question that a lot of us long time dieters ask. We're insecure, we are sometimes uncomfortable in our own skin. And we have all these preconceived notions about how much better life will be if we are skinny.
But at the end of the day, people just want to be loved. They want to be assured that the people they love and hold in high esteem feel the same way about them. Or maybe they want someone to be proud of them. "You look so good, you must have worked hard, I'm so proud of you" may be as important to an overweight persons ears as air to the lungs.
I have always been honest on my blog, and I am not about to stop now. I want to lose weight.... I have 48 more pounds to go and I want more than anything to experience what it feels like not to carry around excess weight. I have wanted this since I was about 13 years old.
Yes I have lost 68 pounds, but I want to lose the rest. Here's the thing...it is NOT coming off! I have been at a calorie deficit this whole time (except a 2 week diet break)...this whole time being over 4 years. When I stalled, I took a diet break (March 2015)...didn't gain anything during that time so I thought maybe my body was ready to start losing again. NOPE! I exercised more...lowered my calories more, became obsessed. Now I am trying intermittent fasting hoping this was the "magical" answer but yet again I am left disappointed. (I know I have only been doing it a week but my body usually responds to diet changes within days of a new eating pattern...last time I did Intermittent fasting I lost 3 pounds the first week..)
I feel like if I don't explain this, people will think I am not trying. They will think I like being my size. They will think or say: "You must be eating more than you say" or "You eat mostly junk food" or "Obviously you are not trying hard enough". The thing is.... I AM! I weigh and measure my food and log everything that goes into my body. I eat whole grains, fruit, salads, veggies, protein. I have a calorie tracker to track how many calories I am burning. If I don't have my target burned calories, then I walk in place until I make it. I am trying so hard.
Now, I am not saying I am giving up though I have had bouts of time where I really really want to. But...I feel like, again, I need to explain myself so everyone understands. I am trying. But now I am researching how the body works, things like metabolic slowdown and how to reverse diet to fix that. I am still going to stick to intermittent fasting during this time, but I also need to fix my metabolism before my body just shuts down. Dieting should be a part of my life, not my whole life...not the obsession that it has become. Life has become unenjoyable this way.
I have been evaluating my self-worth by my weight and what my body looks like, the fat around my middle and my legs are like an enemy taunting me every day...telling me I am not worth anything, that I am a failure. I have to find a way to get away from that. It's unrealistic and unhealthy to have that type of body image. I need to be happy with who I am, me as a person, as a mom, as a wife, as a daughter,sister and friend. When I have gotten there, maybe the weight will come off. Maybe not...and I need to find a way to be okay either way.
Love and hugs,
Dee
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5 comments:
First of all I'm glad that you use this blog to get these feeling out. Second as your best friend I will love you no matter what! I just want to see you happy and healthy and comfortable with who you are. I know you are frustrated and this has been a hard struggle for you. I've been on this journey with you and I know how hard you work and it can be so daunting when you don't see the results you want and it seems like your body is working against you all the time. I know it isn't for your lack of trying. You are a beautiful person inside and out! It does make me sad though that you don't see the amazing woman, mother, wife, friend that I see every time I look at you, I wish you could see you through my eyes. I love you how you were, how you are and however you will be! Never doubt how much you and our friendship means to me, I love you to Jehovah and back!
your BFF always xoxo
Thank you Cheri... You've always had my back and I appreciate that. Love you bunches!
Awe Dear one, I will love you as much as I have always loved you. When you were at your heaviest I loved you then no different, if you go back to that weight and even beyond I will still love you. Why? Because I love YOU, not what you are carrying. So, are you carrying groceries? I Love you! ... Wood, bricks, fat, diamonds, bags of clothes? .... I love you! Your weight or the fat you carry does not define you, although I know it matters to you for your own self image, but it doesn't define YOU to us that love you. I hope that you can find yourself happy with YOU, an amazing daughter, big hearted, smart, considerate, companionate. I've known you to give of yourself to your own detriment, always thinking of others, and I could go on and on.... You see the definition of YOU has nothing to do with your weight . Give yourself a big hug and permission to be truly happy with WHO you are. Deep breath, big smile and allow a deep love for yourself (at any size) in your heart, the rest will follow. I Love you so very much!!!
Thank you... Made me cry. All I want is acceptance and you guys have always given that to me. I just have to tell myself that even this is going slower than I want it to, I'm still a person in the meantime. Now... The question is... Will I love me if I am fat.
Of course you can! If you can see yourself as "having" or "carrying" extra fat, then yes of course. You see you ARE not fat. That is a noun only. To define a person it includes verb, like being a parent implies verb, the act of being and doing. A human person is defined by who they are. Even a person with many limitations, ex: Helen A. Keller, Orlando, me, etc.... Would Jehovah not love you because you carry some extra fat around? Do you have friends and family that you love less because they have fat? This is a way out analogy but... If you know someone that has become addicted to drugs or alcohol. Would you care for them les? OR feel for them and hope they can get themselves some help to stop. They would be displaying "self destructive" behavior and you would be worried for them. Now carrying ALOT extra pounds around can be damaging to any human, diabetes, BP, .... I get that, and of course that would have to be addressed, but how? You know you would give them extra care and consideration, extra loving attention to help them change their habits, and not put them down, right? So don't do it to the person that You are. It's not fair. That, my dear can be destructive, right there. Give yourself permission to really deeply love, nurture and care for yourself!!!!!!! You've come a really long way and howed a very long row! Don't you think you deserve a big pat on the back, a hug, and a great big cheer!!! Hurray for you! You're at a 'healthy' weight. If you stop there you're safe. If you choose to continue, do it with self love and be happy with every step even if it's a back step. Self improvement is more productive when it starts from within, you should do it from self love, not guilt. Love you bunches!!
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