Wow...weird question right? This is a question that a lot of us long time dieters ask. We're insecure, we are sometimes uncomfortable in our own skin. And we have all these preconceived notions about how much better life will be if we are skinny.
But at the end of the day, people just want to be loved. They want to be assured that the people they love and hold in high esteem feel the same way about them. Or maybe they want someone to be proud of them. "You look so good, you must have worked hard, I'm so proud of you" may be as important to an overweight persons ears as air to the lungs.
I have always been honest on my blog, and I am not about to stop now. I want to lose weight.... I have 48 more pounds to go and I want more than anything to experience what it feels like not to carry around excess weight. I have wanted this since I was about 13 years old.
Yes I have lost 68 pounds, but I want to lose the rest. Here's the thing...it is NOT coming off! I have been at a calorie deficit this whole time (except a 2 week diet break)...this whole time being over 4 years. When I stalled, I took a diet break (March 2015)...didn't gain anything during that time so I thought maybe my body was ready to start losing again. NOPE! I exercised more...lowered my calories more, became obsessed. Now I am trying intermittent fasting hoping this was the "magical" answer but yet again I am left disappointed. (I know I have only been doing it a week but my body usually responds to diet changes within days of a new eating pattern...last time I did Intermittent fasting I lost 3 pounds the first week..)
I feel like if I don't explain this, people will think I am not trying. They will think I like being my size. They will think or say: "You must be eating more than you say" or "You eat mostly junk food" or "Obviously you are not trying hard enough". The thing is.... I AM! I weigh and measure my food and log everything that goes into my body. I eat whole grains, fruit, salads, veggies, protein. I have a calorie tracker to track how many calories I am burning. If I don't have my target burned calories, then I walk in place until I make it. I am trying so hard.
Now, I am not saying I am giving up though I have had bouts of time where I really really want to. But...I feel like, again, I need to explain myself so everyone understands. I am trying. But now I am researching how the body works, things like metabolic slowdown and how to reverse diet to fix that. I am still going to stick to intermittent fasting during this time, but I also need to fix my metabolism before my body just shuts down. Dieting should be a part of my life, not my whole life...not the obsession that it has become. Life has become unenjoyable this way.
I have been evaluating my self-worth by my weight and what my body looks like, the fat around my middle and my legs are like an enemy taunting me every day...telling me I am not worth anything, that I am a failure. I have to find a way to get away from that. It's unrealistic and unhealthy to have that type of body image. I need to be happy with who I am, me as a person, as a mom, as a wife, as a daughter,sister and friend. When I have gotten there, maybe the weight will come off. Maybe not...and I need to find a way to be okay either way.
Love and hugs,
Dee
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